Hello, it's me.

My dear readers,
Whether you know me from school, are a distant cousin, a close friend, or my worst enemy, you clicked on this link for a reason: to read whatever lies inside. I am excited to start sharing my not funny jokes with you, and to give you an inside scoop on what goes on inside my magical mind. I am able to offer the latest information on every celebrity, and can tell you what colors you should never match when picking out the outfit you might THINK you love before you leave for work or school in the morning. So- WHY AM I BLOGGING?

I am very generous in offering my opinions, and have never held back anything I've felt like saying. This is obviously my first post, so I thought it would be appropriate to discuss the reason why I am just returning to social media after 30 days, and share some things I wanted to tweet while I was away. Here we go....

Anyone who knows me knows that my twitter account is my pride and joy. I thrive over the amount of likes and responses I receive. On average, I tweet about 3 times a day, and can not usually go 3 hours without refreshing my feed. A month ago today, I decided I was going to get rid of every social media page I had for the sake of an internet cleanse. The biggest challenge was in fact, deactivating my twitter. I made the impulsive decision around 9:07 pm, and immediately regretted what I had done by 9:08 pm. I made an agreement with myself to stay away for 30 days, and the reason for that number was because after 30 days, all of the last three years I have spent on twitter would be deleted forever. Every joke, lyric, words of my own wisdom, and dramatic posts would have vanished. So, with that being said, I decided 30 days would be better than forever. I did not fear being unplugged, but I feared the obvious: NOT SHARING THE FUNNY JOKES I SPONTANEOUSLY THINK OF. When I realized I would not be able to share my hilarious inner thoughts with hundreds of people in a split second, I came up with the idea to save them, and bring them to you all from here.

1. "I need my crocs."
My brain turned to mush. My 3 year old nephew was refusing to leave the house unless he was wearing his light up crocs. Crocs came to light in 2002, and have been ruining my life for the last 13, almost 14, years. I've never understood the concept of cutting holes in a large piece of rubber and labeling it as a shoe. Did Satan do this? Is it the end of the world? Am I ending? Is this real life? I would usually say no offense when I know I might be offending someone, but in this case, I am sending so much offense to whoever enjoys flaunting this god forsaken article of clothing. I am terribly sorry if your parents ever forced you to wear crocs against your will, but I am not sorry if you voluntarily slipped them on your own two feet. Just when I thought the croc brand couldn't get any worse, HIGH. HEEL. CROCS..... yes. This is not a joke. High heel crocs were made, and that is the moment I realized that someone, SOMEWHERE was completely disconnected from planet earth. God, bless you, croc maker.

2. A 14 year old girl just looked me in the eye and said, "You do NOT look like Selena Gomez, she's actually pretty."
Correct me if I am mistaken, but I thought we lived in a world where being kind is encouraged, and bullying is close to forbidden. Oh, this girl. I laughed a lot when I finally processed the words she had just said to me, and it only took me about 5 seconds to shake off her casually cruel comment. But if the SAME eyes that dug into me like daggers last week/decided I "was not pretty"  are reading these words, you decided to search for my social media page, and have landed on this. So little lady, I am still winning even though I do not reach your qualifications on your made up "pretty scale." I'll remember you when I'm famous. XOXO.

3. LIVIN LA VIDA BROKA!!!
Long story short, I spend too much money. I can not recall when I decided I needed every shirt in every color, and the fact that my closet is practically overflowing does not intimidate me. I decided I had a problem when I made the decision to go shopping for a new sweater because I have worn all 56 (counted) at least one time. Ladies.....gents....if you need ANY sweater, in ANY color, you know where to find me. I refuse to be an outfit repeater. Kate Sanders recognized when Lizzie McGuire wore an outfit more than once, and called her out on it, so I can not risk that happening to me. I do not rule out any store when shopping, and always accept donations. Vogue feeds my soul, and I breathe the Target clearance section. "Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop."- I am Blair Waldorf, Blair Waldorf is me.

4. You got me TWISTED
Yes, Beyonce, YES. Queen B never fails to speak the truth, and nothing but the truth. For a week the only lyrics I was singing were from her song "Irreplaceable". I rediscovered the song, and decided to analyze the lyrics. Naturally, I was able to relate to the song because I truly believe, and have convinced myself that I am the only person any celebrity lives for. Nick Jonas and I locked eyes at his concert, and he has been dreaming about me ever since. Call me, honey. Yes, YOU got me twisted. "You" are not anyone in particular, but if YOU think this is about you, and the shoe fits, be my guest. It's definitely about you, whoever YOU are. Please always be clear, and don't ever tip toe around me because you  don't want to hurt my feelings. I would rather have my feelings hurt than be completely in the dark just because you find it's more convenient for you to just avoid honesty at all costs for the sake of YOURSELF. It is incredibly selfish, and will make you look like a fool when I find out what you were hiding anyway, so spill. Side note: I know everything. If I'm asking, it's simply because I already know.

5. Go LOVE yourself

This title may deceive you, and I apologize in advance for doing so. Short, sweet, straight to the point: if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Everything I write is never meant to harm anyone, and I would never go out of my way to intentionally hurt someone's feelings. I am writing because I simply love to do so. Unfortunately haters are going to hate, but this is a hate free blog, so take your unnecessary mean comments and go love yourself. 
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